I am pretty bad at expressing myself when I don’t have a pen in my hand and a paper to write on or a keyboard to type on. I suck at vocalizing my feelings. I’m tired of saying something and having it sound completely different from the way it sounds in my head. I just want to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you and leading you on. I was supposed to take care of your heart but I ended up hurting it more than it was already hurt. I am sorry that I’ll never be good enough for you or myself. You deserve someone who makes you happy. I am sorry I couldn’t be that person even though I wanted to be so badly. I am sorry I pushed you away. I am sorry I let my last relationship affect ours. That wasn’t fair to you. I am sorry that I am so stupid. Never will I ever find another you or someone even close. You are perfect. I envy you. I am jealous of you. You are everything I have ever wanted to be. You are the perfect person, boyfriend, and friend. I know that you would make a perfect husband and father. I’ve been holding back a lot. And since I have a keyboard to type on, I think I’ll let it out. I love you. I am in love with you. I have loved you from the start. I have loved you with all my heart. I have loved you with every single part of me. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that it scares me. I have never loved anyone this way. I miss you so much and I’m tired of missing you. I know, okay? I know I did this and I wanted this. I just wish I could take it back. I was afraid and a coward and paranoid. I was afraid of you and the way you make me feel. You make vulnerable and weak. You make me want you so bad. I was paranoid of you leaving or me messing it up. Instead I left and ruined everything. I thought it would fix things but my heart won’t stop begging me to bring you back. I don’t know why my heart can never win. My head, my thoughts, have so much power over me. I am afraid of commitment. I never thought I would admit it, but I am. I am afraid to commit to you and have you abandon me. I know you would never leave me but just the thought of it scares me. You know I don’t want to get married or have kids. But I want that with you. I want to wake up next to you and see your beautiful face. Everyday. I want fall asleep in your arms. Every night. I want to make love with you and create something beautiful. Three times. I want to fight with you and make up with you. I want smile and laugh with you. I want to grow old with you. I want to be with you until I take my very last breath. I want to make memories with you. I want to cook with you. I want to shower with you. I want to be lazy with you. I want to explore with you. I want to be in New York with you. I want to kiss in the snow with you. I want to play in the rain with you. I want to walk with you and hold your hand. I want to be a dork with you. I want to sing off key with you. I want to be with you when our dreams come true. I want to be with you. I just want you to want to be with me too.

I have a friend at work named Israel. He’s cool. He actually talks to me about stuff and he is really funny. But that’s not what I wanted to write about. I want to write about what he told me today. He pretty much told me I “belong” to this other guy at work and that’s why some of the guys don’t want to talk to me. I don’t belong to anyone. I am Alejandra and I am my own person. I don’t get how me talking to one of my co-workers automatically makes me theirs. That’s stupid. He also told me that people were kind of iffy about me because I used to talk to another guy who used to work there. Okay, one, he doesn’t work there anymore. And two, how the hell does any of this make sense? Ugh. There is so much drama and chaos at my job. I can’t even look at someone without having everyone on my case about it.

I do not know why this is bothering me so much. What did I do? What did I say? Did she tell you something? Is she better than I am? I know I shouldn’t care but I do. I don’t like this. You are my friend. You make everything so fun. Why were you being weird with me? We were fine yesterday. You looked at me the way you always do and you know, you did, that other thing. What happened between then and now? You were okay with me this morning. We were being ourselves. An hour later you started hating me. What the heck? Just please, tell me what’s wrong tomorrow and lets get back to normal. Even better than normal. I really miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you so much it’s crazy.

I am fat. I am tired of being fat. I am fucking sick of it. I loathe myself. I can no longer stand looking into the mirror. I am disgusted with the person staring back at me. I look repulsive. I am fat. So fucking fat. I hate it so much.

I haven’t been eating lately. I eat a little here and there but food is starting to disgust me again. I only get like this when I have a lot going on in my head. I guess I am really stressed. I’ve also been really sad. I don’t want to say I’m “depressed” because every teenager says that. But I kind of think I am. I’ve been having mood swings and my anger is acting up again. I really want to inflict self harm on myself because that’s always my easy way out. I have to be strong though. I can’t go back down that rode. I can’t handle scars and an eating disorder right now. I need to relax. I need to fix my life. I’m completely off track and I’m starting to isolate myself. I feel lonelier and lonelier every night. I’m beginning to feel nothingness and emptiness. It’s like my soul is bare and cold. I don’t really know what’s wrong, I just know I have to fix it. All on my own because no one can know.

I wrote two private posts. I will never post them. I just needed to vent. I’ll probably let someone read them but I will never publicly put them out there. I have to fix some things in my life and clear my head. I need to be free.

I want us to be friends again, just like we used to be. I miss that so much. I miss you so much. I’ve missed you for so long. I’m happy you’re talking to me again but I can’t get excited. You broke your promise the first time, you will more than likely do it again. I can’t let you hurt me. Not again. Once was bad enough. I’m just going to let you do all the talking. I don’t want to screw this up. You’re creeping back into my life and even though my head is screaming for you to go away, my heart is begging you to stay. Hopefully everything turns out the way it is in my head. I’ll be patient. I suck at that, but for you, I’ll be patient. Don’t mess with my emotions though. Like I said, I went through it once, I can’t go through that again. I just miss my best friend.

When I was four years old, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to travel, become a singer, become a writer, become President, etc. My dreams were big. But the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, was to be eighteen years old. Keep in mind, I was only four. That’s what I wanted though. I wanted so badly to grow up and live my life freely. So I did. I tried so hard to fit in, so hard to be older, so hard to be free, so hard to be a teenager. And in trying to be eighteen as a kid, I didn’t get to enjoy my childhood. I can barely even remember it. It feels like I’ve been a teenager for so long. I had this perfect image in my head of who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to look by the time I turned eighteen. That didn’t happen. I’m not even close to the image in my head. Honestly, I’ve been really sad about my birthday. I am usually so excited about my birthday. It was another year closer to being eighteen, you know? But when I realized that the day was so close, I got really, really sad. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t even want to hear the words “happy birthday.” I’ve been breaking down and crying a lot lately. I just really hate myself, the person I’ve become. I was supposed to be the person in my head and I’m not. It just makes me so mad. If the four year old version of myself met the person I am now, four year old me wouldn’t recognize eighteen year old me. She would be so disappointed. I wanted the stars but I reached for the moon. I lost myself. I grew up and my heart died. I’ll never get to be that little girl again and it makes me really sad and angry. I was supposed to be perfect. I was supposed to be “Jessica.” Remember when I wrote about Jessica, my imaginary friend as a kid? Well yeah. Her. Asdfbjlksd;ksal. I’ll stop because now I’m just typing and not making any sense.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I haven’t wanted to really open up for a while now. Either way nothing really new or exciting has happened since the last time I was on here. Oh. Well one thing I guess. I got a job. I love my job so much. People actually talk to me there. It’s cool. I love the people I work with. Oh yeah. My birthday was yesterday. No one really cared though and it wasn’t a good day. But whatever. That’s a whole other post. So hi.

Every day I spend with you I get happier and happier. I honestly have not felt this way before. I’m not going to lie, it scares me, but I trust you. You’re picky, indecisive, and a huge nerd, but it’s okay, I like you that way. I wouldn’t trade you for the world. You’re mine to keep. Always. <3

“My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved
I can live only wholly with you or not at all.
Be calm, my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together.
Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.”